Evil Bunny Christmas
by Walter Bryan Cranston White
Summary: Disappointed by this years Christmas special? Well here's a festive treat for you. Butters gets a Christmas gift from his girlfriend. And that gift is a cute rabbit. But there's something sinister about Butters' innocent looking Christmas pet


_Narrator: It was the 21st December as everyone was either finishing or doing Christmas shopping or continuing to debate wether Die Hard is a Christmas movie or not or watching The Irishman and turning it off half way through. But today will be a very special day for The Queer Boy In The Blue Shirt._

_Butters: Hey why am I called The Queer Boy In The Blue Shirt?_

_Narrator: Because you are, now shut up. The Queer Boy In The Blue Shirt was at his locket getting some stuff until his girlfriend The Bitch In The Green Shirt With A Flower In The Centre came up to him holding a box._

_Nelly: Hey don't call me a bitch!_

_Narrator: It's my story so shut the fuck up._

_Nelly: Merry Christmas sweetheart._

_Narrator: Said The Bitch In The Green Shirt With A Flower In The Centre._

_Butters: What is it?_

_Nelly: It's an early Christmas gift for my sweet guy._

_Butters: Why is it an early Christmas gift?_

_Nelly: Just open it._

_Narrator: The Queer Boy In The Blue Shirt opened the box and inside was a beautiful grey rabbit. It stared at him with so much sweetness._

_Butters: Oh hamburgers._

_Narrator: Yelled The Queer Boy In The Blue Shirt._

_Butters: It is adorable. Thank you baby._

_Narrator: They gave each other a quick kiss and when they got to her house, they fucked each other's brains out._

Nelly: Stop it! Stop it right now!

Cartman: What?

Nelly: Why does your story have me fucking Butters?

Cartman: Because he's your boyfriend.

Nelly: I demand you to stop reading that inappropriate book. Why did you allow him into your book club Wendy?

Wendy: He insisted he joined. I only said yes after he kept throwing toilet paper all over my house.

Cartman: If you want me to stop I'll stop.

Nelly: Yes.

Cartman: You know I'm not gonna stop.

All the girls moaned.

Wendy: God fucking dammit.

Cartman: Trust me Windy, it gets better.

Butters: I hope it does Eric.

_Narrator: After fucking his girlfriend, The Queer Boy In The Blue Shirt went home carrying his new pet in the box. When he finally got home he couldn't help but stare at the little rabbit._

_Butters: What should I call you? How about Jimmy? No, I don't want to cause confusion? Brie? Nah, I hate Brie Larson._

Nelly: Was this book made so you could rant about Brie Larson? I'll have you know she is a hero!

Butters: I don't know Nelly. She did kind of blame us for problems we can't control.

Cartman: Can you please shut up?

Butters: Sorry.

_Butters: Robert? Frank? Furry?_

_Narrator: Oh coming up with a name was so hard for The Queer Boy In The Blue Shirt. What should he call it? Just than the boy's mother walks in._

_Linda: Sweetie, would you like some vanilla fudge I made?_

_Butters: Sure._

_Narrator: And just like that The Queer Boy In The Blue Shirt had the perfect name for his pet rabbit._

_Butters: How about I call you, Vanilla? No that's stupid. How about Fudge? Yes Fudge. What a sweet name._

_Narrator: So the next day, The Queer Boy In The Blue Shirt took his pet rabbit to the basketball court where he was greeted by his friends. The Boy In The Red Poof Ball Hat, The Poor Boy In The Orange Parka, The Super Kewl Guy Who Wasn't Fat, He Was Big Boned and also Kyle._

Red: Wait I thought Kyle died of AIDS in the last story.

Cartman stares at Red thinking.

Cartman: Uh...turns out he didn't.

The girls glare at Cartman.

Cartman: I'll just continue with my story.

_Stan: Cool rabbit._

_Butters: Thanks dude._

_Kenny: What's his name?_

_Butters: Fudge._

_Cartman: Fudge? What a stupid name._

_Butters: What's wrong with that name?_

_Cartman: It's just stupid._

_Narrator: Suddenly the ball fell out of The Super Kewl Guy Who Wasn't Fat, He Was Big Boned's arm._

_Cartman: Oh shit._

_Kenny: I'll get it._

_Narrator: The Poor Boy In The Orange Parka ran to get the ball._

_Stan: Where did you get that rabbit?_

_Butters: Oh, my girlfriend gave it to me._

_Kyle: It's pretty beautiful dude._

_Cartman: Still a gay name though._

_Narrator: As The Boys continued their conversation, The Poor Boy In The Orange Parka ran to retrieve the ball. He picked up the ball and started to return to his friends, but his shoe laces were untied and The Poor Boy In The Orange Parka tripped and fell to the ground. As The Boy In The Orange Parka tried to get up he got ran over by a car._

_Kyle:...I don't get why the movie had to be that long._

_Stan: I thought it was good and-Oh my God!_

_Narrator: They notice the body of their fellow friend whilst an evil choir chanting the words "Malum" and "Egestas" was heard._

_Evil Chori: Malum Egestas. Malum Egestas. Malum Egestas._

_Stan: Huh?_

_Butters: What?_

_Stan: I swore I heard music._

_Kyle: I didn't._

_Cartman: Well I'm going home._

_Narrator: The Super Kewl Guy Who Wasn't Fat, But Was Big Boned was walking home as the sinister choir music continued chanting in the background._

_Evil Choir: Malum Egestas. Malum Egestas. Malum Egestas._

_Cartman: Da fuck?_

_Narrator: But little did The Super Kewl Guy Who Wasn't Fat, But Was Big Boned know, there was a thunder storm coming. As he continued walking, some lighting struck a branch and it fell on top of him. But it didn't kill him because he was too kewl to die._

Wendy: Of course he was.

_Narrator: The Next Day. The Queer Boy In The Blue Shirt and The Bitch In The Green Shirt With A Flower In The Centre were out on a double date with The Boy In The Red Poof Ball Hat and The Girl In The Pink Beret._

_Butters: So when's the funeral?_

_Stan: Tomorrow. He always wanted his funeral on top of a mountain._

_Butters: Yeah._

_Nelly: How's fat ass?_

_Stan: He's got a broken leg._

_Nelly: Good._

_Butters: Babe, that's not nice._

_Nelly: But he's a fat ass._

_Butters: You can't say that about the Kewl guy._

_Nelly: I can babe. Although did you think it was strange how your poor friend got run over than minutes later your fat friend got his legs crushed by a branch._

_Narrator: They all sat thinking whilst the evil choir chanted in the background, softly._

_Evil Choir: Malum Egestas._

_Butters: Huh?_

_Wendy: Babe, what are you doing?_

_Stan: What?_

_Wendy: What are you doing down there?_

Wendy: Oh my God! Is Stan rubbing my-

Cartman: Shut the fuck up Windy!

_Narrator: The Girl In The Pink Beret looks underneath the table to discover a rabbit nibbling at her shoes._

_Wendy: Hey there's a rabbit down here._

_Narrator: The Queer Boy In The Blue Shirt looked underneath the table to see Fudge._

_Butters: Fudge? What are you doing here?_

_Wendy: Huh?_

_Narrator: The Queer Boy In The Blue Shirt picked up Fudge._

_Butters: Sorry this is Fudge. He's my pet rabbit. My best girl got it me as an early Christmas gift._

_Nelly: Stop it._

_Butters: I don't know how you got here Fudge. You do realise that there are no animals allowed in this facility._

_Narrator: The Queer Boy In The Blue Shirt goes outside with his rabbit._

_Waiter: Here's your drink sir._

_Stan: I didn't order anything._

_Waiter: The drink is on him._

_Narrator: The waiter was pointing to a priest._

_Waiter: He wishes to talk to you._

_Narrator: And so The Boy In The Red Poof Ball Hat walks to the priest._

_Stan: What?_

_Narrator: I said The Boy In The Red Poof Ball Hat walks to the priest._

_Stan: Doesn't that kind of get the wrong idea?_

_Narrator: How many times do I have to repeat myself? I said The Boy In The Red Poof Ball Hat walked to the priest._

_Stan: I'm not doing it._

_Narrator: I'm not gonna stop until you walk to the priest. The Boy In The Red Poof Ball Hat walked to the Boy In The Red Poof Ball Hat walked to the priest. The Boy-_

_Stan: Alright! I'll walk to him._

_Father Maxi: My child._

_Stan: Are you gonna molest me?_

_Father Maxi: Every time I try to warn someone this happens._

_Stan: What do you want father?_

_Father Maxi: Your poor friend was run over yesterday and than a few moments later your super kewl friend got his legs crushed by a very large branch? And you heard an evil choir chant the words "Malum" and "Egestas"._

_Stan: Yeah I noticed and heard the choir. Were you watching us?_

_Father Maxi: No! God, every time! I was sitting on a bench reading The Bible and it just so happened I was near you._

_Stan: What are you trying to get at?_

_Father Maxi: I heard the Kewl guy insulting the rabbit and than moments later his legs got crushed by a branch._

_Stan: You're not suggesting that the cute rabbit did this?_

_Father Maxi: I am suggesting the cute rabbit did this._

_Stan: Than what did he have to do with my other friend's death?_

_Father Maxi: I don't know. But be warned._

_Stan: That doesn't answer my question._

_Father Maxi: He has the powers of Hell! You have to stop it!_

_Stan: Just get out!_

_Father Maxi: I will not exit this facility!_

_Stan: Why?!_

_Father Maxi: Because my food hasn't even arrived yet!_

_Stan: Oh. Can I go now?_

_Father Maxi: Yes you may return to your date. But be warned. And Merry Christmas._

_Narrator: After finishing his meal The Crazy Priest-_

_Father Maxi: Crazy?!_

_Narrator: You're a wacko, get used to it._

Bebe: I'm so confused does he think the characters in the book are talking to him or was that written?

Red: Sssssh.

_Narrator: The Crazy Priest suddenly realised that there was a rain storm._

_Father Maxi: How strange._

_Narrator: He said._

_Father Maxi: There wasn't a storm broadcasted this evening._

_Narrator: And so the Crazy Priest ran as the storm only got worse. A lighting bolt hits a tree branch which fell and the Crazy Priest somehow avoided it. The Crazy Priest made it to the church and tried to open the door._

_Father Maxi: God. I left my keys at the cafe._

_Narrator: And so The Crazy Priest ran to retrieve his key. All of a sudden a lighting bolt struck the top of the church and a lighting rod started to fall to the ground. The Crazy Priest notices this and tries to stop this by yelling no and pushing his hands in front of him. But the rod impaled him._

_Father Maxi: God why?_

_Craig: Maybe if you just moved out of the way instead of doing what you just did than there would be a less chance of you getting killed._

_Narrator: Said the Biggest Dick In The Universe._

_Craig: Up yours Cartman._

_Father Maxi: Oh you're right._

_Narrator: The Crazy Priest dies. The next day The Boy In The Red Poof Ball Hat woke up beside his girlfriend The Girl In The Pink Beret after a night of having sex._

Wendy: Oh my god! Gross!

Cartman: I told you it would get better.

Wendy: But me fucking Stan? That is just, eww.

Cartman: What's wrong Windy, you don't wanna fuck Stan?

Wendy: Just continue with your stupid story.

_Wendy: Did you enjoy your early Christmas present?_

_Stan: I sure did. Sorry I threw up in your mouth._

_Wendy: It's ok. Do you wanna watch TV?_

_Stan: Alright._

_Narrator: The Boy In The Red Poof Ball Hat turns on the TV._

_Tom: Shocking news The Crazy Priest was killed last night while trying to enter the church. He was killed when a lighting rod impaled him. One eye witness said "He just stupidly stood there as it was happening"._

_Stan: That's odd._

_Wendy: What?_

_Narrator: The Boy In The Red Poof Ball Hat gets out of bed and puts his pants on._

_Stan: That's the same priest who warned me about Fudge._

_Wendy: What was he saying about Fudge?_

_Stan: He was saying that Fudge caused fat ass to be crippled and caused that car to run over Kenny._

_Wendy: He does seem kind of crazy. It was probably just a coincidence._

_Stan: Yeah._

_Narrator: But deep down The Boy In The Red Poof Ball Hat knew that the Crazy Priest could've been right. Later that same day The Boy In The Red Poof Ball Hat was at the game store buying Jedi Fallen Order until somebody passed him a note._

_Stan: Huh? "Meet me at Starks Pond. We need to talk about Fudge"._

_Narrator: Meanwhile at The Queer Boy In The Blue Shirt's house, his mother was walking around the house with some laundry in her basket._

_Evil Choir: Malum Egestas. Malum Egestas. Malum Egestas._

_Linda: What the?_

_Evil Choir: Malum Egestas. Malum Egestas. Malum Egestas._

_Linda: Where the hell is this mu-_

_Narrator: Suddenly, the Queer Boy's mother trips over Fudge and falls down the stairs causing her to break her neck. Fudge just stares at his achievement with evil in his eyes. Suddenly the boy's father shows up._

_Stephen: Oh my God, Linda!_

_Narrator: Suddenly the boy's father tripped and bashed his head against the corner of a small table. Whilst Fudge just stared on. The Boy In The Red Poof Ball Hat made it to Starks Pond. There were a few people there. But which one wants to talk to The Boy In The Red Poof Ball Hat?_

_Voice: Hey._

_Narrator: Said the voice. The Boy In The Red Poof Ball Hat turned around and it was none other than The Boy With a Lisp and Diabetes._

_Scott: Please have a seat._

_Narrator: The Boy In The Red Poof Ball Hat and The Boy With a Lisp and Diabetes took a seat on the bench._

_Stan: What is it?_

_Scott: You have been noticing these strange accidents right?_

_Stan: Yeah. One of my friends gets run over, fat ass gets his legs crushed by a tree and than some crazy priest gets impaled by a lightning rod._

_Scott: I don't think these accidents are coincidental._

_Stan: Why say that?_

_Scott: Look at these photos._

_Narrator: The Boy With a Lisp and Diabetes hands The Boy In The Red Poof Ball Hat his phone._

_Stan: This is just an image of a naked Sophie Gray._

_Scott: What the fuck?!_

Sophie: Hold on! Hold on! What the fuck was that?!

Cartman: How many people are gonna interrupt me today? You and Scott Malkinson are dating aren't you?

Sophie: I only got here! God! Is he usually like this?

Wendy: Yeah. We are so sorry Sophie.

Annie: Can you please get this over with so you can never come to our girl's book club again?

Butters: Yeah. Please do.

Cartman: Alright fine.

_Scott: Sorry. I swear I don't know how I got that photo._

_Narrator: And so The Boy With a Lisp and Diabetes takes the phone and shows The Boy In The Red Poof Ball Hat the right photo._

_Stan: It's just an image of Kenny grabbing a ball._

_Scott: Look at the photo closer._

_Narrator: The Boy In The Red Poof Ball Hat investigates the photo further and notices something out of the ordinary. His shadow looked like the shadow of a homeless guy begging for change._

_Stan: What the fuck?_

_Narrator: The Boy In The Red Poof Ball Hat swipes to the next photo. Which is a picture of the Crazy Priest, but his shadow looked like a cross. The Boy In The Red Poof Ball Hat swiped again and the next photo was of The Super Kewl Guy Who Wasn't Fat, He Was Big Boned walking but his shadow was that of the face of Will Smith._

_Stan: What were you doing taking these pictures?_

_Scott: I like to take pictures of people doing stupid things. It's sort of a bizarre hobby._

_Stan: What does this have to do with me?_

_Scott: Because you were there when Kenny got killed and before the super Kewl guy got his legs crushed and I saw the Crazy Priest talking to you in the cafe._

_Stan: You think I did this?_

_Scott: No. I think it's definitely the rabbit. I didn't know who else to turn to, I can't turn to Butters because he'd think I'm just jealous of his rabbit, Kyle because I don't trust Jews or anyone else because they might think I'm crazy. But I'm turning to you because you've encountered crazy shit before._

_Stan: Well to be honest, I think you're right. Butters is in danger, what is it gonna do to him?_

_Scott: Maybe to use him as a ritual? Or maybe just to kill him for shits and giggles._

_Stan: We need to ask his girlfriend where she got the bunny._

_Narrator: And so The Boy In The Red Poof Ball Hat and The Boy With a Lisp and Diabetes, ran to The Girl In The Green Shirt Eith A Flower In The Centre's house. They run into the house._

_Nelly: Hey guys what can I do for you?_

_Stan: We need to know where you got the rabbit._

_Nelly: What rabbit?_

_Stan: The one you gave your boyfriend._

_Nelly: I bought it from the pet store. Why?_

_Stan: Which pet store?_

_Scott: You do realise that there's only one pet store in South Park?_

_Nelly: The name of the pet store was...Uh...Super pet store._

_Scott: You stupid bitch this is serious!_

_Nelly: Don't call me bitch._

_Narrator: The Boy With a Lisp and Diabetes grabbed The Bitch In The Green Shirt With A Flower In The Centre._

_Scott: People are dead because of what the rabbit did._

_Stan: Let go of her, where did you find the rabbit?_

_Nelly: Alright, I'll tell ya. I was out with my friends. We were just doing girly things. Going shopping and that's about it._

Wendy: I'll have you know-

Cartman: Shut the fuck up or I'll start back from the beginning.

_Nelly: Until I realise that Christmas was only 5 days away and I didn't buy my boyfriend anything. I wanted to buy something quick, but the mall was closing. When I exited the mall I was approached by a mysterious man who just gave me the rabbit for free. He also gave me a book on how to do an abortion. I don't know why he gave me that book. That's all I remember._

_Stan: But where did he get it, is the question. Where is he?_

_Nelly: He usually hangs out by the mall, come on._

_Narrator: And so they ran to the mall. Where they saw the mysterious man who wore a cloak._

_Nelly: There he is._

_Cloaked Man: Why hello there. Have you come to return your pet rabbit?_

_Nelly: Where did you find the rabbit?_

_Cloaked Figure: That's confidential._

_Stan: Listen people have died because of that bunny._

_Cloaked Figure: Oh no, I gave away the rabbit that had the soul of John Wayne Gacy didn't I?_

_Stan: Did he have the powers of Hell?_

_Cloaked Figure: No I don't think so. Hold on a minute._

_Narrator: The cloaked figure moves one side of his coat and notices a bunny attempting to stab him._

_Cloaked Figure: John, please._

_Stan: Where did you find the rabbit?_

_Cloaked Figure: You need to be specific with me._

_Nelly: The rabbit's grey and has a white belly._

_Cloaked Figure: Oh that one. Well I found it in the middle of the forest. Why?_

_Stan: Because we think the rabbit has the powers of Hell._

_Cloaked Figure: Well if it has the powers of Hell than maybe it is from Hell. To be sure, look into his fur and you'll find 666 on its skin. And if he is a demon from Hell, the best way to kill it, is to stab the rabbit two times with this dagger which I had just in case somebody had to deal with somebody from Hell. I never sold it for years and I was thinking of getting rid of it._

_Narrator: The cloaked figure gave The Boy In The Red Poof Ball Hat the dagger._

_Stan: Thank you._

_Cloaked Figure: My plea-_

_Narrator: Suddenly, the rabbit with the soul of John Wayne Gacy stabbed the cloaked figure in the neck. The cloaked figure tried to stop the blood from flying out of his neck, but he died._

_Stan: Oh shit dude! I think the rabbit's trying to stop us._

_Narrator: Suddenly somebody's phone started ringing._

_Nelly: Hello?...Hey babe._

_Butters: Uh babe. I was cleaning Fudge and I looked into his fur and found the numbers 6...6...5 on his skin._

_Nelly: Butters I need you to keep the rabbit company we're coming over._

_Butters: That's the thing, the rabbit doesn't want you to come over. It's holding me at gunpoint and you have to get there as quick as you can! It wants-_

_Narrator: Suddenly the line was cut._

_Nelly: Babe! Babe!_

_Stan: We have to get to his house quickly!_

_Narrator: And so the group started to run as the evil choir started to chant in the background._

_Stan: No! No! No!_

_Narrator: They started running across the street. But The Boy With a Lisp and Diabetes got run over by a car. And the car was being driven by the President._

_Stan: Jesus Christ!_

_Mr Garrison: Oh my God._

_Caitlyn: What?_

_Mr Garrison: Caitlyn, I have an idea on how to avoid journalists. I hide in the fridge._

_Caitlyn: Just like Boris?_

_Mr Garrison: Just like Boris._

_Nelly: We gotta hurry, now!_

_Narrator: And so The Boy In The Red Poof Ball Hat and The Bitch In The Green Shirt With A Flower In The Centre ran to The Queer Boy In The Blue Shirt's house._

_Scott: You guys, I think I just have a broken leg. I'm not dead._

_Narrator: They make it to the house. When they entered they found The Queer Boy In The Blue Shirt shirtless and tied to the floor with candles surrounding him._

_Butters: Fellas!_

_Nelly: Don't worry baby I'm coming._

_Narrator: Suddenly they were stopped at gun point by Fudge._

_Fudge: Not so fast ya'll._

_Stan: Wait that voice, you're-_

_Fudge: That's right. It is I Rabbity the rabbit._

_Stan: But you-_

_Rabbity: Sacrificed myself. Yes I did. But they wouldn't allow me into Hell because I wasn't worthy enough. So they bought me back with a task, to give birth to the Anti Christ._

_Stan: What?!_

_Rabbity: And that's what the Queer boy is doing, about to give birth to my lord and saviour. Yay!_

_Butters: I'm pregnant?!_

_Nelly: We got to stop him!_

_Stan: There's nothing we can do._

_Nelly: It's just a fucking bunny it will be-_

_Narrator: Suddenly The Bitch In The Green Shit With A Flower In The Centre and The Boy In The Red Poof Ball Hat get attacked by crows._

_Stan and Nelly: (Screaming)._

_Rabbity: Now they will eat you up now. By midnight it will be Christmas Day and the Queer Boy will give birth to the Anti Christ with no distractions. Yay!_

_Narrator: Suddenly Rabbity's head blew up and the crows that were attacking The Bitch In The Green Shirt With A Flower In The Centre and The Boy In The Red Poof Ball Hat flew out of the house. And the person who killed Rabbity was Santa._

_Santa: Merry Christmas mother fucker._

_Stan: Santa._

_Nelly: Oh my God. Thank you._

_Santa: Don't mention it. Santa's always there when there's Satan worshipping woodland critters running amok._

_Butters: Uh fellas. There's the problem of me having the anti christ in my tummy._

_Santa: Oh shit!_

_Stan: Do you know how to perform abortions?_

_Santa: Prancer knows but he's getting drunk off of egg nog._

_Stan: There's only 25 minutes. We won't have enough time to stop the Anti Christ._

_Narrator: But wait, The Bitch In The Green Shirt With A Flower In The Centre realised that she had a book on how to do abortions._

_Nelly: No! No! The end of the world may suck. But I'm not teaching myself how to do abortions._

_Narrator: Yes you will!_

_Nelly: No I won't!_

_Narrator: Yes you- And she did._

_Nelly: Why do I suddenly know how- Dammit I know how to do abortions._

_Narrator: And so The Bitch In The Green Shirt With A Flower In The Centre performed the abortion on her boyfriend. She pulls out the fetes of the Anti Christ. She than threw it on the floor and crushed it with her foot._

_Santa: Well done. The world is saved thanks to you._

_Nelly: I hope it was worth it for a Christmas present._

_Narrator: They all laughed. The next day on Christmas. Everyone in South Park celebrated Christmas and got themselves the Christmas presents they asked for. The Boy With A Lisp and Diabetes unfortunately spent his Christmas waiting for the doctors to show up, whilst The Boy In The Red Poof Ball Hat got his Christmas blow job from The Girl In The Pink Beret and The Queer Boy In The Blue Shirt and The Bitch In The Green Shirt With A Flower In The Centre spent their Christmas watching The Irishman and trying to not fall asleep. So long story short, they all lived happily ever after. Except for Kyle and The Bitch In The Green Shirt With A Flower In The Centre who both died of Gonorrhoea four weeks later._

Nelly: Fuck you Cartman!

Cartman: So what do you think?

The girls glare at Cartman.

Wendy: Get the fuck out of my book club Cartman.


End file.
